by Jason Wells
The third meeting of the Fancy Britches Dining Society found members convening at Michael Smith’s über-trendy tapas restaurant, Extra Virgin. Kim’s run took a bit longer than expected, which left Matt Shaw to his own devices at the bar while he waited for the remaining members to arrive.
We walked in to discover Shaw indulging in what appeared to be some sort of fruity rum cocktail fit for a high school junior drinking for the first time on prom night - right before she throws up on the guy she’s hoping to bang. To my amazement, it was actually a fancified whiskey drink garnished with fruit and rose petals or something gay like that. While I don’t condone mixing whiskey with anything, God dammit if I wasn’t proud to find out it wasn’t rum.
Since it was a nice enough night, we decided to dine outdoors and bask in the mediocrity that is downtown Kansas City. Let it be no secret that I am a food snob, and there isn’t much I enjoy much more than a nice dinner at a classy restaurant. It’s comparable to good sex. You anticipate it, you revel in it, and once it’s over you need a cigarette to cap it off, then you promptly fall asleep. In the morning you take care of any “leftovers” (high-five!).
If we are to insert our waiter into this sex metaphor, he would have been the cool jock and we would have been the homely girl with glasses and braces. The waiter acted completely indifferent to us and it was as if he were doing us a favor by providing us with the pleasure of his company. Caitlin ordered a Pinot Blanc, which is apparently the equivalent to drinking Thunderbird out of the bottle by the railroad tracks. The waiter shot her a look of disdain like she just spit in his grandmother’s face. Kim ordered a Riojo, which must have been a better selection in the waiter’s opinion because his look of disgust dissipated momentarily. I ordered my standard Makers Mark on the rocks. The waiter didn’t say shit to me because everyone knows not to fuck with the guy drinking whiskey.
So with drinks ordered it was time to peruse the menu and make our selections. With dozens of tapas to choose from the decision process was arduous to say the least. It was decided that we would start off with a selection of meats and cheeses with an accompaniment of marinated olives to exercise our palettes before we got down to brass tax.
Round 1:
Meat Plate: (Pictured, left to right: Delicious peppers, Speck, Ham, Boar, Chorizo)
Jason: Speck – Speck is like a spicier version of prosciutto. It was definitely the surprise of the meat plate and the clear winner.- Kim: Chorizo – a spicy sausage originating in the Iberian Peninsula. I’m sorry to announce that this Chorizo didn’t make the cut. It had an off-putting taste that I couldn’t place. Needless to say, no me gusta.
- Matt: Serrano Ham – If any item has a proper noun followed by the word “ham”, Shaw is down, and this evening was no exception. As always, the ham had a good showing.
- Caitlin: Wild Boar Cacciatorini – This was the wild card meat, and my personal favorite. It was very reminiscent of traditional Italian salamis, which is always a plus.
Cheese Assortment: (Pictured, left to right: Big flat crackers, Sheep, Goat, Manchego, unidentifiable sweet fruit paste, Robiola)
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Jason: Valle de Cati – Goat cheese; a little pedestrian, but delicious nonetheless. - Kim: Green Dirt Sheep's Milk – Don’t let the name fool you; this particular cheese was delightful, and paired nicely with the boar.
- Shaw: Italian Robiola – As with all the cheeses we ordered, the Italian Robiola did not disappoint. It had a sharp taste with a nice finish.
- Caitlin: Spanish Manchego – The Manchego was fantastic. I have a friend in the cheese business (shout out to Matt Ronzio), and he would be proud to offer this tasty fare to his clients.
After we each ordered another cocktail from our hostile butthole of a waiter, we were ready to explore more exotic items and really challenge our taste buds. After all, we here at the Fancy Britches Dining Society encourage stepping outside the box and embracing gastronomic oddities.
Round 2:
Jason: Crispy Duck Gizzards in Spicy Sauce – I cannot say that this was my first endeavor into the world of gizzards, but I can say these were by far the best intestines I’ve ever eaten. They were succulent, tender and had just the right amount of heat and crispiness. That Michael Smith is really onto something.
Matt: Braised Pork Cheeks – Or, Joues de Porc Braisées, as the French say, were pretty good. They tasted “beefier” than the name would lead you to believe, and I wasn’t a huge fan of the corn salsa, but I would recommend them to someone that isn’t quite ready for the Spicy Halibut cheeks.
Caitlin: Spicy Halibut Cheeks – Speaking of Spicy Halibut Cheeks, I’ve got three words: KICK FUCKING ASS! I don’t “all cap” very often, much less follow it with an exclamation point unless I mean serious business. If they genetically spawned these Halibut, harvested them, cut out their cheeks, and threw the rest of the body away unused, I would still support this dish. It was that good.
So it’s official, round 2 was awesome. Even the dumb waitress that cleared our table and made a snarky remark to Shaw couldn’t bring me down from this high. After we finished imbibing our cocktails, we flagged down our ass-clown of a waiter and embarked on…
Round 3:
Jason: Grilled Baby Octopus – It tastes as delicious as it sounds. Served on a bed of cucumbers, tomatoes and feta cheese, this dish was my most anticipated foodstuff of the evening. *At this point in the post I would like to thank the octopus’ mother for being so callous as to sacrifice her baby in order to satisfy my palette, well done ma’am. Said baby octopus tasted “steak-like”, and was buttery indeed. Two things I look for and endorse in almost all instances (Note: although Matt Shaw enjoyed the tastiness of the baby octopus, he did not support taking the life of an infant octopus. You sir, are a better man than I).
Kim: Crab Stuffed Piquillo Peppers – As good as this tapa was, it kind of got lost in the shuffle. I love crab and I love peppers, and yes, I did go for seconds. But, I could get a similar dish at most any pretentious tapas restaurant, but this was Michael Smith’s pretentious tapas restaurant, by far the most pretentious tapas restaurant in Kansas City. So, I guess I had more pretention in mind when I bit into the pepper. Maybe Michael Smith isn’t as pretentious as I thought, or maybe he’s so pretentious that I didn’t even recognize his pretention.
Shaw: Roasted Carbrito Tacos – Matt Shaw is such a good humanitarian that he couldn’t bare to order the Grilled Baby Octopus, but he had no problem ordering baby goat in taco form. Normally I would get mad at the hypocrisy of the whole situation, but we’re talking about tacos here. Even the staunchest vegan sneaks the occasional meat filled taco when no one is looking. That’s a scientific fact. The tacos were DIY, which added an element of fun to dish. The meat was paired with a tangy sauce and some other type of goo that escapes my memory at present. Overall, a great selection. 
Caitlin: Stuffed Whole Artichoke – The artichoke was filled with Parmesan cheese and Sopressata. Sounds good right? Wrong. If I had a dog, I surely wouldn’t serve this to him, that would be cruel and PETA would immediately initiate some sort of smear campaign against me. I think the last time I had a dish this disappointing I was at the Wendy’s on Main and 31st. Just awful.
Dinner was coming to an end, but there was one last tapa that I’d had my eye on for some time, and I’d be damned if I were going to leave before giving it a taste. Caitlin on the other hand was in need of a dish to redeem herself for her failed previous attempt. After several minutes of trying to locate Dickhead Fartbreath (pretty sure that was our waiter’s name), our final selections of the evening were placed and all that was left was to wait and commiserate over the bounty of food that had been devoured throughout the course of the night. As I finished my last snort of whiskey, Peepants McGee (the waiter’s counterpart, equally as terrible) arrived with our final plates, which brings us to…
Round 4:
Jason:Crispy Pig Ear Salad – Let me start by saying this, I love pig. Talk about a versatile animal, they give us pork loin, pork chops, pork steak, ham, salami, hot dogs, spare ribs, prosciutto, and let’s not forget the king of pork products – The Almighty Bacon. I had never had a pig ear, and didn’t know what to expect. I was pretty sure I was going to like it, but I had no idea how much. The ears were served cut into small strips, garnished with spinach tossed in oil. While I thought the greens kind of got in the way, it did nothing to diminish the taste explosion of the pig ears. If I had the means, I would eat these delectable little ears in all kinds of instances. I would eat them on a train, I would eat them in a plane. I would eat them on a boat, I would keep them in my coat. So listen up, make sure you hear, I fucking love crispy pig ear.
Caitlin: Baked Maine Mussels – So Caitlin’s chance at redemption got off to a bad start. The mussels arrived smothered in some sort of bread crumb/saw dust combination. It was reminiscent of the stuff janitors use to cover vomit when some idiot kid can’t make it to the bathroom in time in elementary school. So this dish definitely wasn’t easy on the eyes. The Fancy Britches not being a group to judge a book by its cover, we all dug in hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The mussels tasted like we were eating cat poop out of a liter box. Not that I’ve ever done that, I just have a vivid imagination.
So what’s the verdict you might ask? The Fancy Britches Dining Society whole-heartedly recommends Extra Virgin to Gourmands and novice masticators alike. There are dishes that suit all kinds of tastes that range from the lame to the adventurous. I’m even willing to overlook the shoddy service, as the food more than compensated for Dickhead Fartbreath’s and Peepants McGee’s appalling treatment of the Fancy Britches. There was even a Michael Smith sighting, and let me add he looked even douchier than I had imagined (he’s no Hubbert). While there is no official rating system in place as of now, I would imagine Extra Virgin would receive exceptional marks from all Fancy Britches members. So until next time dear readers, keep your culinary mind open and your stomachs full.
Caitlin Says:
I would like to point out 2 things:
1) How upset I was at my 2 dishes. You make it sound like I wasn't lamenting over my choice for days to come.
2) The last and nastiest pig ear that you and I shared. I would like to caution the reader on the extra thick / chewy pig ear.
In her spare time, Caitlin angrily shakes her fist at the neighborhood children.
Shaw Says:
First off, the drink I had was some kind of fancified Old Fashioned, which was the only $9 drink on the menu I could bring myself to order. I ordered a Manhattan for my second drink and they just brought me another Old Fashioned. Not that there's much difference between the two, but I was hoping for less fruit in my cocktail.
The idea of the baby octopus horrified me for a few reasons. 1. Because I pictured the whole octopus to be on the plate, looking like a wacky wallwalker salad. 2. Because unlike the baby goat, the octopus was probably alive when we sat down for the meal. And especially 3. that octopi are pretty intelligent creatures, as noted here on Wikipedia, which is never wrong. All that being said it was incredibly delicious in flavor and texture. As for the baby goat, I had no backup order to switch to when the waiter told me it was baby (which he also seemed to enjoy a little too much), so I just rolled with it.
